Adversity - NOTHING to do with Weight Loss

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Sir Winston Churchill

If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength! Proverbs 24:10 (NIV)

Today I am a pessimist, and I am very small in my strength.

I am not a fan of adversity. In fact, I don't know anyone who is a fan, except maybe a few lawyers that I know. However! They don't like PERSONAL adversity any more than the rest of us do.

I'm not being mysterious on purpose; today I lost my job. Well, that sounds like I lost track of it... I was laid off. Economy, don't you know, and things didn't pick up like the boss expected. So,... lost. Job, not me.

The last time this happened I was seriously knocked for a loop, this time, I was kind of expecting it. Like I just said, things didn't work out for my boss like he expected.

For 20 years, I was a legal secretary, and a pretty good one, if I do say so myself, but so have the lawyers I worked for, so I'm not bragging on myself; I'm working up to something. I worked at the last firm for 7 1/2 years. My attorney was a named partner in the firm, and she and the managing partner had some conflicts. He (managing partner) did not live up to the promises he made, and eventually MY attorney decided her services would be put to more fruitful use elsewhere. So she resigned, left the partnership, and moved on to greener pastures. Where she went would have been a very long drive for me, and she didn't take any of her staff with her. The managing partner assured me I would still have a place with the firm, but two weeks later I was let go "for business reasons" - that is, I probably reminded him of his empty promises every time he saw me, and he knew that I knew that he had not kept his word multiple times.

I was devastated. I wanted closure from this but never got it. I saw the managing partner at a parade the following Christmas and he greeted me as though he had just seen me at the office or we were long-lost friends. I didn't know what to say, so I just looked at him in silence. He eventually said, "Merry Christmas," and moved on. I LET HIM take away my sense of identity; I was a GOOD legal secretary. I was a GOOD person; I let him steal my confidence in myself. I questioned my skills, I questioned everything about the job I was so proud of, and I questioned my value to anyone.

I started working for a foreclosure reporting company, which was amazing at the beginning; I was earning a very good salary, better than the law firm, but due to mismanagement the company stopped meeting payroll and allegedly went out of business. I lost several weeks of salary in that job, and have never recovered it. I worked for another similar company, for less than half my salary, but the owner was also slow to pay, due to booming foreclosures and shrinking subscriptions to the company, and I left that job as well, to work for a guy who had a company appearing at foreclosure auctions as the mortgage-holder representative. This is the job I just..., well, lost today.

So now what? What does God have in mind for me? Am I supposed to go back into the secretarial workforce, if any jobs are available? What am I to do? Am I afraid? You betcha! Carl and I already lost our home to foreclosure because of my job twists and turns from the past 3 years. Financial problems are the chief source of marital strife... we don't need this!

How trivial this may seem to you, if you have a loved one (Carmen's mama comes to mind very strongly) who is seriously ill, or are facing your own mortality. But this is huge. Its scary, and it smells horrible! I don't like it, and I want God to take it away!

I sound like a child, don't I? I feel like one, alone and small and afraid and powerless.

But I'm not powerless. I can find another job. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm trying to be excited about it, even as my throuat feels like its coming out of my skin and tears are splashing on my yet-to-be-seen-again collarbones. I know He will guide me out of this, but right now I'm just scared. And I think that's okay with Him. Bill said on The Morning Cruise the other day, essentially, pastors who tell their congregations that being Christian is all morning glories and sunshine should go back to semiary and re-learn the true meaning of Christianity.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul! I love Psalm 103 in its entirety, but especially today 15-18 (NIV) for these verses:

As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
the wind blows over it and it is
gone, and its place remembers it no more.
But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

I think what David was trying to say was, "This too shall pass. So, get over yourself!"

And, so it shall, and so shall I. Maybe tomorrow.

Weigh In Week 8 - "A Veggie Tale"

Starting Weight: 242 lbs
Current Weight: 226 lbs
This Week's Results: -1 lb
Total Results: -16 lbs

Since we're trying to eat more healthfully at our house, Lindsay and I have been poring over the many Weight Watchers and Cooking Light cookbooks that I have, and have found some new favorite recipes, like N0-Meat Loaf and Eggplant Rollatini.

While reading a local newspaper this afternoon, I saw a suggestion for making spaghetti sauce with eggplant instead of meat, so I developed the following recipe for our dinner tonight, since we just happened to have an eggplant handy!

Heidi's Eggplant Pasta Sauce

1 cup raw onion, chopped
2-3 cloves minced garlic
1 large eggplant (about 1.5 pounds), peeled and cubed in about 1" pieces
1 TB extra virgin olive oil
3 TB of your favorite Italian herbs (we love Cork & Olive's Taste of Tuscany)
1 tsp salt (optional; taste first)
16 oz Ragu Light Sugar Free Tomato Basil Sauce
1.5 oz Kraft Parmesan/Romano cheese

In a large pot, saute the onion and garlic in the olive oil. When the onions appear soft and translucent, add the eggplant and Italian herbs. Allow the eggplant to become slightly soft, and then add in the Ragu and cheese. Let the sauce remain on very low heat for about 30-45 minutes, and serve with pasta, spaghetti squash, or use as an amazing pizza sauce.

This sauce makes about 4 servings per batch, with 180 calories, 8.1 grams fat, 0 grams cholesterol, 21.5 carbohydrates, and 7.2 grams fiber.

Note: Be sure to include in your journal the nutrition information for any accompaniment you have with the sauce!

What I learned: I would probably peel the eggplant the next time. If you can't find the Ragu sauce, canned diced tomatoes would do just as well (or better; more texture to the dish).

Hate to Exercise? - Then, Read This!

Before Michelle put me through my paces with a new workout routine for the week (I get a NEW one every week! That really keeps me motivated - I don't get bored), she took out the tape measure and measured here, and there, and then worked some complicated formula that showed us that my working out is bearing results. I don't remember numbers very well, so you won't see any here, but Michelle advised me that THOSE numbers revealed more to her than me stepping on the scale.

She also said I could share with you some of the other improvements I've made by changing my sedentary lifestyle for an active one (with healthy eating). Michelle rattled them off (cause, like I've said before, she's a GENIUS and knows her subject!), but I didn't recall all of them. So, I did a little research at The Mayo Clinic, where I found seven benefits. I'll summarize their 2-page report for you now.

1. Mood Booster - I've mentioned this one before - it really helps with depression, I'm here to tell you! Exercise stimulates brain chemicals that make you feel happier and more relaxed.

2. Fights Chronic Disease - Exercise helps to prevent or manage high blood pressure. It also helps elevate "good cholesterol" or HDL and lowers triglycerides at the same time. This double whammy helps to reduce plaque buildup in arteries.

3. Helps Manage Weight - Exercise and a healthy diet make this one a no-brainer, right?

4. Boosts Energy Levels - Exercise delivers oxygen and nutrients to tissues, and helps your heart, lungs, blood vessels, just about everything, to work more efficiently, and this is huge! When your body works more efficiently, you have energy to burn!

5. Promotes Better Sleep - Regular exercise helps you to fall asleep, and STAY asleep, and wake up better rested. Of course, if you exercise too late in the evening, you might have too much of that energy from #4 to fall asleep, so try exercising earlier in the day if this happens to you.

6. Light the Candles - Okay, if The Mayo Clinic says it, I'm gonna too. Exercise can improve your um, romantic life, too. It just, well, it makes certain functions improve for both genders, okay?!

7. Exercise Can Be Fun - Yes, it can! I'm having a blast. If you don't want to spend time in a gym, take a ballroom dancing class, take Fido to the dog park and play chase, play touch football or softball with the kids, get out on your local playground and just SWING! Any activity is better than sitting in a dark room with the TV and a bowl of popcorn, even if it is Orville Redenbacher's Natural Cracked Pepper that I am now addicted to, thanks to Carmen!

I do remember Michelle also telling me that regular exercise helps coordination, balance, and some other stuff, all good. The only "bad" I can see so far is that I'm gonna have to replace some clothing pretty soon. Carl's already drilled extra holes in my favorite leather belt!

Try it. Give it a couple of weeks, and see that everybody is right. Whether you're already fit and just want to boost your energy level, or you need to lose lots of weight like me, exercise is the one-size-fits-all help to a better physical life.

So just get out there and DO IT!

I can do ALL things through Christ Who STRENGTHENS me! Philippians 4:13

"Oh, Yeah, This is SOOOOO Easy" - Temptations

If you've been following me on this blog and think that my efforts to lose weight cause me no consternation, frustration, or just plain aggravation, think again! I have to be very careful not to allow myself to become ravenous. When I get a little nudge from my stomach, then I need to address it right away.

During the week, that's pretty easy, as long as I prepare. The night before, I weigh out an ounce of dry roasted almonds, grab a South Beach high-protein cereal bar (10 grams of protein!), and decide which fruit I'm going to take with me the next day. Then, the following morning everything goes into my cooler bag with a couple of ice packs, and armed with my 32-ounce insulated mug full of water (coffee/caffeine makes me hungry, so only one cup with breakfast in the morning, and that's it for the day), I head out the door. Then I have a couple of items to take the edge off my hunger until lunch. I'll have one protein item (nuts or cereal bar) mid-morning. Lunch, as I said before, is usually a Subway turkey breast salad. The fruit and other protein I have on my way to the gym in the afternoon. That way, I'm not tempted to turn into McDonald's or Wendy's and grab something that isn't on my agenda these days.

However, weekends are my big challenge! During the week, I HATE when the alarm clock goes on in the morning; I could always sleep later than my schedule allows. But on the weekends, I don't have the alarm clock set, and invariably I wake up before the alarm clock would have sounded "time to get up!" I think this is because I'm middle-aged. When I was a teenager, I could sleep until mid-afternoon, if my mother would let me, and sometimes she did. I could also stay up until 2:00 or 3:00 a.m., but now, if I'm not in bed by 10:00 p.m. there is something really interesting going on. It also seems like the later I go to bed, the earlier I wake up.

So, weekends are less structured for me than the rest of the week, especially since I don't have to drive my children places; they are all old enough to have their licenses (and vote, and go to college, and live in Utah, and marry, and have their own children...). As a result, I don't have a specific schedule for eating meals or snacks, particularly on the weekends when Carl is home. This is not a good thing - I mean our schedule; I love it when Carl can be with us for any amount of time.

Today I went to the gym while Carl, Scott, and Jeremy ran errands and began yard work. Lindsay was multi-tasking as usual, working on her computer and taking care of Pierson. Phoebe had gone on a sleepover. After I got home from the gym, Carl and I ran more errands! We got to the grocery store, and midway through looking at almost every food in pretty much every single aisle, I was getting pretty aggravated. I'd pick up a can or box of food (that in the old days I would just drop into the cart), look at the nutritional label, and put it back on the shelf. Too much sodium; too many calories; not enough protein. Add to that the aroma of cooking food in the deli area, specifically frying chicken and shrimp. Also, there is a McDonald's at the entrance to the store! I love Quarter Pounders without cheese, and haven't had one since this past spring.

I complained to Carl that it wasn't fair! How come this store has all this food that I want but I can't have, but it seems like everybody else can!? I was griping and getting loud and red in the face because I felt so deprived and left out. I wanted a Quarter Pounder AND a large order of fries! Carl stopped me from storming through the store like a spoiled child, turned me around, and in his own calm, no-nonsensical, practical, logical male-brained way, said, "Heidi! Calm down. You CAN have whatever food you want. But if you want to get healthy, you need to choose to avoid the ones that you know are not going to help you lose weight."

I know that Carl is right. I don't HAVE TO avoid eating unhealthy foods, but I GET TO choose the healthy options that will keep me working toward my goal. I was feeling like a martyr; gloom and doom inside the store as well as outside. To carry it further, I don't HAVE TO exercise; I GET TO. We are so fortunate in this country that there are so many options for selecting groceries, but we have to be consistent in living healthy lives. Yet I see the TV commercials advertising the unhealthiest, fastest foods that are presented in a manner that leaves me feeling like I'm missing something if I don't leap into the truck and go get myself that Steak 'N Shake Takahomasak right away.

I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize so to speak, and counting my blessings. I've lost almost 10% of my initial body weight when I started this April (from 251 down 24 pounds, thank you very much!). I climbed several flights of stairs at the St Pete Times Forum last weekend without losing my breath or pausing halfway up. Michelle keeps telling me how physically strong I am. Being able to do these things is the harvest from my hard work.

So, my self-pity party is over, and I feel very much better about the changes in my bad habits, and sacrifices I am making to live a better, healthier life. . .

. . . and Carl is recovering nicely at a rehabilitation center not far from home.

Weigh In Week 7 - "Gravity? Smavity!"

Starting Weight: 242 lbs
Current Weight: 227 lbs
This week's results: -2 lbs
Total Results: -15 lbs


How could we measure weight loss success if there were no gravity? We'd have to find other ways of determining an appropriate level of "healthy". What did people do (or care?) before scales came into being? What was ancient society's definition of "beauty"? Which culture would I rather belong to, where my size and looks are considered beautiful NOW?

When I weighed in last week, I posted that I had an issue with the scale. I couldn't get a straight answer! I finally took one last step-up on the scale and used that number, but I was kind of dissatisfied with that this week. In the past, I have pretended otherwise, but I've placed a lot of emphasis on the number that pops up each week - I need to lose weight for my overall health, and the numbers don't matter... yeah, RIGHT. They're also my measuring stick for whether I'm a "good person" or a bad one, in my mind. I'm the "expert" when I do well, and I would do just as well to shut up when I don't do so well.

But I'm off my topic again... If there were no gravity, I could use a tape measure to see whether my body was tightening up. My Shapes volunteer personal trainer Michelle took my measurements when we started my program on July 13, and again on August 13. I don't remember specifics, but the numbers either stayed the same in some places, or were definitely down in others. Michelle has them recorded, and I'll probably chart them if I remember to get them from her one of these days.


If gravity were a thing of the past, no one else would have a weight, either, and then we'd have to just go by appearances - that would help out a lot! Maybe arms wouldn't sag, other parts wouldn't droop, and I would hope that feet wouldn't hurt any more - that'd be sweet. Hairspray would probably have to be stronger, though...


Other than tape measuring or standing on a scale (I'm back to the real world now), I've noticed my clothing getting looser as I get a little smaller. I'm ready to take the size 22 pants out of the closet and jettison them. I've taken them in at the waist as much as I can without having serious saggy-bottom, so they're on their way to the garage. No, I'm not going to keep any fat clothes, except for maybe one un-taken-in pair of size 22 pants for the drama of it all when I get to my goal weight.

Christ is my gravity... I look to Him to keep me grounded, and to avoid taking myself too seriously, or in taking all the credit for what I do, and for how I do it. Anything good that happens in my life, He should get the praise, not me. I had nothing to do with this.

When I called into The Joy FM and talked to Dave and Bill about auditioning for The Biggest Loser, I was just hoping to share what the Casting Director told me. I never expected the rest of this to happen, that's for sure! It was blessings on top of blessings when Michelle arranged a membership at Shapes and offered her personal training services.

Don'cha just HATE it when someone says about you, "Oh, (put your name here)? He/She has SUCH a great sense of HUMOR! He/She has such a GREAT PERSONALITY!" I could never get enough of that. The reason, I think, that I have even an average sense of humor or good personality is that I knew I'd never be able to fall back on my looks.

But, God doesn't see us that way. Jonny Diaz SO got it right when he wrote "More Beautiful You" - this is my favorite part, along with the chorus:

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Christ keeps our souls beautiful, no matter how many times we fail or mess up. Every day is brand new! The Holy Spirit keeps us believing, faithful, steadfast, and lifts us when we falter, stumble, and just flat give up on ourselves. Our Heavenly Father shores us up, even when we feel like we're drowning, and holds us in His hands, and tells us that we are beautiful, His own precious children; so precious that he sent His own Son to suffer for our sins and to die, and to rise again, FOR US. All we need to do is believe Him.

So get out there and believe The Good News!

"What's The Matter?"

My sister's back yard in Salt Lake City, in January 2009. Beautiful in all its starkness and slumber, ain't it!?


...Like an awful lot of people who have an eating disorder, I suffer from depression. Most people who don't have this problem always ask me the same question, when I confess to being in a "down" period... "What's the matter?" I know they mean well, but when the downswing comes, its all I can do to fight it, let alone analyze where it came from.

"What's the matter?"...! I da-know! If I knew what was the matter, I could probably change my situation and feel better. This is what I USED TO DO: I would hide in my bedroom, making a beeline for it as soon as I got home from work. Once it was just Allie and me in the house, and Carl was on the road 12 days of 14, it was easier for me to retreat. The only time I would emerge from my room was to retrieve food from the kitchen, and return empty dishes, and maybe grab a soft drink. Not that this happened every single day, but it happened... a lot.

I didn't even realize I had a problem until probably 2005, Ash Wednesday it was. I was sitting in the second or third pew, and Pastor Roy was preaching. I don't remember what he was preaching about, probably something about the Lenten season (the 40 days prior to Easter which Ash Wednesday begins are typically a season of reflection and self-denial, to honor what Christ gave up for us), and I was sobbing like my heart was broken. "What's the matter?" I had no idea. I only knew that even the most mundane topics sent me into tears.

I have always been drawn to psychology and studied it, so I knew what was going on on a certain level. Plus, one of my sisters had been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD and depression after she graduated from law school (she graduated from college and LAW SCHOOL with ADHD!), and another sister was also diagnosed with depression. As well, I remember that Daddy had taken Lithium for mood swings back in the late '70s. So, I come by it honestly. I don't think any of my family members knew "what's the matter" either.

I saw my doctor, who gave me medication, probably because when I told him what I was going through, I burst into tears. I know some folks may feel that I should "rise above it" and that depression is "mind over matter" but I have to respectfully disagree. At least, in my case, I believe that the medication has definitely saved me from doing serious harm to myself. After all, I have been stuffing my face to stop feeling things since childhood. There were times when if I hadn't been so lethargic from grief, I would probably have killed myself. Again, "What's the matter?" I never could answer. Yes, Allison, I know! Mama just contradicted herself. I've been telling Allie for years that mind over matter is exactly what it takes to get over it, but I've been in denial a long time, for her as well as for me.

The medication doesn't get rid of all the downswing times, but they are shallower than they used to be. Plus which, since I started this very public weight loss journey, I promised that I would tell ya'll everything going on that touches on the trip. I've been fighting a down-time since late last week. I had the conference this past weekend as an excuse not to exercise. But, I pulled myself out of my dark place because I handled it differently than before. This time, I went to the gym. I exercised, and I feel so much better. The Lord sure knew what He was doing when He made endorphins!

I feel very strongly that I've written about this topic because someone needs to read this. If you're reading this and you recognize yourself, please talk to someone. See your doctor, find out if medication will help, or talk to a therapist, a trusted friend, or your pastor. Most pastors are trained in some form of counseling, or will know someone you can talk to. But get help. I didn't seek help for the longest time, and I know I could have felt better if I'd only spoken up sooner.

I Saw Mandisa! At Women of Faith!

I was really not looking forward to the Women of Faith conference in Tampa this year. First, I posted previously that I had 10 tickets that I had purchased in advance and could not get them sold, thus I am at a loss of about $1,000; money we can ill afford to lose.

Second, since Carl and I moved in with Lindsay and Scott and the babies in March, we've been in-between churches. Although we found one we could be comfortable in, I just haven't been making it to the church whether Carl is home or not. So, I'm kind of ambivalent going into the conference, to say the least... ambivalent, discouraged, a little frustrated, and definitely sad.

Apparently so is my best friend Helen-Ann. She and I have known each other since Carl and I moved with the kids from Tampa to Lakeland in 1990 and joined a Lutheran church there, but I think she's my soul-sister. We both grew up in very similar circumstances, having been girls in the '60s and young women in the '70s, plus which our family dynamics are a lot the same. But I digress!

Anyway, we are both going through a difficult period right now, for various reasons. So we were both feeling like maybe we should've saved our money, or spent it on something other than Women of Faith this year. Helen-Ann's been going since 2001 and I've been following her since 2002.

That pretty much changed when Mandisa got on stage. Not only can that young woman SING, she can DANCE! She started moving on that platform and did not stop until she sang the last note. Every movement was a prayer of joy in the Lord, and every note was crystal-clear and as beautiful as anything you could hear on the radio. For anyone who knows what I'm talking about, most people can barely talk, let alone sing, and move faster than a walk at the same time. It takes a lot of lung power to be able to sing and dance at the same time, and Mandisa did it without ceasing.

If you got to see Mandisa on American Idol in 2006, you know how strong her faith is. She exhibits the kind of True Beauty that I want to follow. I definitely relate to her struggle! I have suffered through some of the same things she did in her childhood and all I can say is, she's my hero. I am also addicted to food, and I am learning and struggling every day to run my life, and not let the addiction run me. Like Mandisa, I am not losing weight because I want to be pretty. I am doing this because I want to be healthy and to do stuff with my husband, children, and grandchildren, not to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else.

Do I want to be attractive? Sure, who doesn't? But like Mandisa has said, I can't let that be my motivation. I was a cute fat chick already; I'll be a cute thinner chick too. If true beauty is from the inside, then whether I'm fat or thin makes no difference to God, and it only matters what He thinks about me anyway.

I haven't even STARTED on listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman, another one of my musical and Christian heroes who was also at Women of Faith this year...! Another post.

You are beautiful to God, and He loves you. Just as you are! If you need to lose weight, or quit smoking, or stop drinking or drugging to be more healthy, or whatever burden you're struggling with, God won't love you more for being successful, and He won't love you less for failing. He just loves you.

Chew on that a while.

Weigh In Week 6 - Scale Battles (Not What You'd Think!)

Starting Weight: 242 lbs
Current Weight: 229 lbs
This week's results: -1 lb*
Total Results: -13 lbs





* Depending upon which scale, and where in the room it was at the time

I weighed myself, as usual, Thursday morning, and much to my surprise, the scale said, "224". Knowing there was no way I lost 6 pounds in a week this far into my enterprise, I reset the scale and got back on. The second time it read "234". Again, very concerned that I had gained 10 pounds in the time it took me to get off and back on the scale (about 3 seconds, max), I moved the scale over a couple of tiles and tried again. "228". Better, but I still wasn't satisfied.

I had Lindsay come in and weigh herself, after draping a towel around myself ('cause what's the point of weighing yourself in clothing? It makes for an interesting conversation with the security at Publix, but at home, who cares?). She brought in HER scale and weighed herself first on my scale (okay), and then on her own (about .4 pounds' difference). I could live with that, I thought.

So, Lindsay went on her merry way, and I now had two scales in my room. I got on Lindsay's first, since I had been stair-stepping with my own for quite some time now. That scale said "236". No way! I worked so hard, I knew that couldn't be right. So, I started back on my own scale, and scooted it around my room more than a dog with worms goes "motorcycling" on the carpet! I weighed everything from 224 pounds to 236. Its quite amazing how being in different areas of my bedroom and bathroom makes me heavier or lighter.

Finally, I conceded defeat, and decided that Thursday was not the day for me to weigh in on anything! I weighed again one last time, resolving that whatever number my scale came up with, that was going in my post. It read "229". So that's my current weight, and I'm sticking to it.

I am much lighter in the doorway between the bathroom/shower and my dressing area. That's where you'll find me. I'll be the one with the scale and a crowbar.

(On a "lighter" note - pun intended - Michelle weighed me this last Monday, and by her count I've lost 9 pounds and a few inches here and there since July 10. I'm a happy girl!)

The Doctor says to avoid stress - yeah, right!

Sometimes, despite all your best efforts and intentions, things go wrong. The baby decides to party all night instead of sleeping through it. The husband has the flu (which he is SURE is the Swine Flu and means intensive care from you, at home). Your coffee is cold AND winds up spilling all over your pants. There's no more orange juice/ milk/eggs/bread/toilet paper. Your boss says he needs to talk to you, and you know what THAT means these days... pink slip! Your college student child calls from school and says that the $3,000 tuition is due NOW, and dude, where's the check? Or worse. . .

You're stressed, and rightly so. Seldom does a day go by without us experiencing some level of stress. You want to reach for the first item that will "take you away from it all" if only for just a minute, namely chocolate. Or maybe your favorite "get away" snack is something salty and crunchy. Popcorn, or chips? Is there any dip left? Tell me you didn't dip into the kids' snacks! Then, guess what? You still feel bad, but now you have guilty, empty calories nagging at you. If you don't feel bad, then you're already backslidin' into your old evil, self-indulgent ways, honey-pot!

If you don't have the benefit of a personal trainer or nutritionist (and I am so BLESSED to have Michelle, the Shapes specialty trainer, helping me out - I couldn't afford to hire any, for sure!), check out http://www.sparkpeople.com/ on the Internet. I LOVE this website! I log my nutrition and exercise workouts each day on this site. For tracking nutrition, all you have to do is look up the food item and enter the amount, and sparkpeople.com does the rest with calories, carbs, sodium, and so forth. The site even lets you enter your weight, how much weight you want to lose, how long you think it'll take (and they check you on that, trust me!), and all kinds of statistics. You can printout the daily totals in summary, if you like. The same goes for exercise; just find the activity you completed, and enter the total time. Best of all, this site is F-R-E-E!

Sometimes stress really gets to me if I haven't had something to eat - being diabetic, I really need to keep tabs on my nutrition. Now that I am striving for healthier habits, I try not to resort to eating when I become stressed. I've been reaching for ice water instead, or if my stress is hunger-related, opting for a low-calorie snack within my plan.

Here's what an ordinary day of food looks like for me:
Breakfast, I usually have "Grandma Toast" which I included in my last post. I add a sliced banana over the top. Sometimes I'll have a cup of cherries or a medium apple in place of the banana.

Mid-morning, I have a serving of fruit (a cup of grapes, cherries, medium pear or apple) and either an ounce of almonds or a low-fat cheese stick (that's STICK, not STEAK!). Protein is important for me.
Lunch is usually on the run, but I try to get to Subway's and pick up a turkey breast salad. I ask for cucumbers, onions, and tomatoes, and for dressing, just a shot of red wine vinegarette or one of the other sauces that they offer, and with a very light hand. All of Subway's sauces are low-fat and low-calorie, and much tastier than some of the packaged salad dressings they offer. Other times, I ask for a little oil and vinegar.

Mid-afternoon I usually have a South Beach Living high protein cereal bar. Chocoholic that I am, I really like the cinnamon raisin and peanut butter ones the best.

Dinner is usually pretty basic, with a simple protein like lean meat, chicken or fish, tossed salad, steamed vegetables, and rice, sweet potatoes, or whole wheat pasta. Every once in a while I'll have a baked potato with plain yogurt instead of sour cream.

Michelle has recommended that for my weight, I have a range of calories per day of 1,700 t0 1,900. We also keep track of starchy carbohydrates, which is about from 4 to 6, depending on which day I'm on.

My prayer for you this week is that you will be able to handle whatever comes your way, and remember that you are not alone! God is in charge. You know, "when life brings you to it, the Lord will get you through it!"
So, handle your stress, don't let it handle you!

Weigh-In Week 5 - Change Your "Rut" for a "Routine"

Starting weight: 242 lbs

Current weight: 230 lbs

This week's results: -3 lbs

Total results: -12 lbs

I'll make this short, sweet, and to the point, or at least that's my avowed intention since I've blogged three times this week.

I lost 3 pounds this week. Yay, me!

What's more, my clothing are definitely getting looser, I have more stamina walking around places, and the heat doesn't seem to be bothering me QUITE so much.

I've gotten into a routine as well, and that does make a huge difference. I'm usually a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of gal, but at the same time, there has been some structure to my madness in the past. I just didn't share it with my husband! Carl is VERY structured. How I married the only sane man in the world, I'll never know.

(Stick to topic, Heidi!) Routine - that's when you do certain things on certain days, and you pretty much keep it that way. Do not confuse "routine" with "rut" however. A "rut" in my humble opinion, is when you do the same things over and over, but what you're doing doesn't make anything better, you never accomplish anything except exhaust yourself. A "routine" is something you do to achieve results. And I'm achieving results!

All I have left is a recipe and a prayer for you.

Grandma's Toast (That's what granddaughter Phoebe calls it at our house)

- 2 oz. low fat, part skim Ricotta cheese

- 1/4 scoop protein powder (or you can leave this out and add a couple drops of extract or lime/lemon juice, to your taste)

- 1 or 2 shakes Cinnamon (NOT cinnamon sugar) to taste (or leave out)

- 1 envelope Splenda

Squish it all together in a small bowl. Total Yield: 1 serving, about 100 calories if you use the protein powder, otherwise about 75. I haven't tried it yet, but you could also make it savory by adding your favorite herbs or salt-free seasonings and have it with crackers or raw vegetables. Phoebe and I like to use Arnold multi-grain sandwich thins. Molto bene!

Thank you, Lord, for all the people you've put in my life these past few weeks to help me to get motivated and to get healthy, as well as to have a better appreciation for all You have done and continue to do for me. Most of all, thanks so much for Your precious Son, Jesus Christ. Amen! Amen!

Have a great weekend, guys.

"Are You Committed?"

(I don't know what we were doing in this picture, but I don't think we were singing...!)
GT and me >>>----->

I was at the Shoesday morning shoe drop in Brandon on August 4, and got to meet Dan Brody and GT face-to-face. Since there were gaps in time between listeners dropping off new shoes for the orphans in Peru, I took a little time to get to know the guys a bit. Both are wonderful men, God-filled and very, very funny.

I introduced myself to them, and GT and I had a great conversation about the Lord, about getting fit and changing our lives to more healthy ones, caffeine addiction, quitting smoking (and chewing tobacco), marriage, emotional support, family, and everything in between. Yeah, Dan was working and we were chatting. And laughing and hugging, and talking, talking, talking.

Toward the end of my visit, GT looked deep into my eyes and asked, "Are you committed?"

It was like all time had stopped, and nothing around us was moving. Several things went through my head at the same time, and all in an instant. "Committed? To the Lord? To my marriage? To losing weight?" All in that instant, I determined that my answer to anyone of those was an unequivocal "YES!" He continued to hold my gaze for a few more seconds, and finally smiled, and said, "OK."

What GT meant by his question I don't know for sure, but I don't think it matters. I left the Chic-Fil-A and went on about my day, driving to one courthouse, sitting through an auction, driving to and attending a meeting with my boss, driving to the next courthouse, having lunch, sitting through another auction, driving to visit sister Kristin and getting her to cut my hair, and then finally to the gym and my workout. Most of the time I was thinking about GT's question. "Are you committed?"

I have to re-answer GT's question. Up to the instant he asked me, if I were honest with him my answer would have been, "Most of the time." Okay, if I were REALLY telling the truth, I should have said, "Part of the time."

After thinking about the question off and on all day, I figured it out. I don't have to be 100% gung-ho about everything all the time, but every day I need to answer GT's question. Am I committed? Do I really have what it takes to stick to my plan and stay determined to change my life to one that includes watching what I eat and exercising? Am I committed to making sure I take care of this temple that the Lord gave me? Can I stay committed to being worthy of the trust that has been placed in me? Can I commit to getting off my lazy butt regularly and consistently? Can I?

Jesus Christ made the ultimate commitment for us. He took all our wishy-washiness, self-justification, laziness, lying-to-ourselves-and-everybody-else, general and specific sinfulness, broken-ness, cussedness, and ugliness, and made it disappear. God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit forgave us, forgives us always. He's waiting for us to make the commitment to Him, with His loving arms wide open to receive us. All we have to do is say "Yes."

. . . I had mentioned to GT in our conversation that I didn't know why we were HAVING this conversation, but that sooner or later I was bound to figure it out. GT, darlin', I think I got it. Of course I already knew GT was a kindred spirit; he got my analogy about Bill being the "bowl and spoon" right off!

Matthew West helps me out again as well, with his lyrics that hit home Tuesday: "...I don't wanna go through the motions; I don't wanna go one more day; without Your all consuming passion inside of me; I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,"What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions? ... 'Cause just okay is not enough; help me fight through the nothingness of this life..."

I have a couple of Post-It Notes on mirrors in my bedroom and bathroom on which I wrote GT's question so I can see it every day.

...Are YOU committed?

... Be Thankful You Didn't See Me at the Gym Today!

... Oh, my goodNESS! I was going to take pictures of myself in all my pudgy glory, but decided that I didn't want to sicken anyone.

A little while ago, I figured I've lost some inches, and could justify (I can justify ANYTHING!) purchasing a new set of workout clothes. I've sweated through the 2 I have, many times over now, and figured I was worth the little investment. I bought a new pair of capri pants and a top, both by Danskin. I washed them and put them in my bag for working out. I never tried them on. I repeat: I. NEVER. TRIED. THEM. ON.

I went to Shapes in Brandon this afternoon, and changed my clothes and that's when I saw myself. I never felt so uncomfortable in my LIFE! If I could have worked out in jeans I think I would have. Finally, I got a grip on myself. Then I went out of the dressing area and did my workout. You know how it is when you imagine that everyone is looking at you? Well, I don't think I imagined it! I thought I could hear gasps and whispering, and felt all eyes on me. Talk about being self-conscious! It didn't help that there's a ton of mirrors all over the gym so I could see myself again and again. And again.

On the way out after my workout, I made a point of letting the ladies at the front desk know that they would not be seeing that particular workout clothing until I had lost 50 pounds, and maybe not even then.

Put plastic wrap over the little lady on the right here, and that's pretty much what I looked like, except I have saddlebags on my hips.

EwwwwwwwwwwEEEEE!

Enjoy your day, and I hope you don't get nightmares from my word-pictures.
Pray for ME!

Weigh In Week 4 - Bear With Me While I Ramble...

(Allegedly 1961 Rambler)

Starting Weight: 242 Lbs
Current Weight: 233 Lbs (July 30)

This week's results: -1 Lb

Total lost: 9 Lbs

I apologize for being behind in my posting; you will see a Week 4 and 5 weigh-in posting this week because of it. We had a little glitch in the blog-world, but all seems to be in order now, thanks to Bill and Leslie! I'll play a little catch-up now, and post again later this week with weigh in week 5.

It seems like I've spent my entire life waiting for something, and wishing it would hurry up. In my early childhood, I waited to be 10 years old so I'd have "2 digits" to my age; then, I waited to be 16 so I could drive; after that, I waited to be 18 so I could vote and purchase (okay drink) alcohol, another symbol of "grown-uppedness" in my mind. In high school, I waited to be married in the worst way (so I was, the first time - I married the first guy who asked me). Once married, I waited to be a mother (in the best way, and I was blessed with a daughter from that first marriage). I spent a lot of time daydreaming about being older, what I would do, and have, and be, when I got to be an adult. I also felt like I was the only person who ever did this.

I'm not the concert flutist I started out to be; I'm not the psychologist I dreamed about being; I'm not an RN, MD, PhD, DDS, or any other letters I can put together that I thought would be worth my wait. However, I am a daughter, sister, aunt, wife, mother, ex-wife, wife again, (step)mother, with "friend" interlaced throughout. I use the word "step" only for clarification purposes and certainly not for emotional ones. My two oldest kids are mine. How does the saying go? I didn't carry them under my heart, but in it. I made a conscious decision that I never would have married Carl unless I could love those children (32 and 30 now) as my own, and have done so, for the past almost-25 years.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not anyone special. I'm just an average overweight girl, in person as well as in personality. Too loud, too boisterous in speech, too bawdy in sense of humor, too emotional, too hungry for affection and groceries, too selfish, too thoughtless; just too, too, too everything all the way around!

But I am someone special. I am special to my husband, my mother, my brother, my 3 sisters, my 4 children, my 3 grandchildren, my nieces, my nephews, my in-laws, my out-laws, and my friends. I am special to God. He made me, formed me, put His Hand on me, and blessed me. He knows my every weakness, every horror, every terrible thing I've ever done or been. There are some dark times in my life that I would rather had never happened. There are some bright, shining moments that I will never forget. Both the dark and the light merge together to make me the person I am, with flaws, foibles, and gifts all together.

You are special to God. You are His own creation. He loves you so much that He sacrificed His own Son to die for your eternal salvation. I don't know yet why He led me to this place, this amazing gift, of being able to communicate to you in this manner. I have a voice (thanks, Matthew West); I am living and breathing, and I've got something to say! Maybe it was for this message that speaks directly to you, or maybe it is one I have yet to write. I just know that He loves you. He wants all good things for you, and He is so ready and so waiting to help you. All you have to do is let Him.

Easily said. So incredibly hard to do. Doesn't mean you won't have hard times. Think on the early Christians, and in more modern times. They DIED for Christ. Today's Christians have it easy, in comparison, yet how many times have I failed to show my love for Him because I didn't want to be embarrassed? Too many. In this country, in this day and age, we have nothing to fear. God is so good!

I'm trying to work on this. When I am in a restaurant, now, I pray before I eat, folding my hands on top of the table. I still don't pray out loud (someone might think I'm crazy), I am Lutheran after all (we don't make "spectacles" of ourselves). I'm just keeping on with trying to change little things, like with working out, dieting, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I figured it was about time I gave some of that change to God as well.

I'm praying for you these next few days, that you will make some small change for the good in your life, no matter what it is. Eat less, weigh portions, write a food journal, drink more plain water, exercise, take up a conversation with someone in a check-out line, tell someone you love them, smile at a stranger and say hello (grownups only), pray in a restaurant, and celebrate it!