"What's The Matter?"

My sister's back yard in Salt Lake City, in January 2009. Beautiful in all its starkness and slumber, ain't it!?


...Like an awful lot of people who have an eating disorder, I suffer from depression. Most people who don't have this problem always ask me the same question, when I confess to being in a "down" period... "What's the matter?" I know they mean well, but when the downswing comes, its all I can do to fight it, let alone analyze where it came from.

"What's the matter?"...! I da-know! If I knew what was the matter, I could probably change my situation and feel better. This is what I USED TO DO: I would hide in my bedroom, making a beeline for it as soon as I got home from work. Once it was just Allie and me in the house, and Carl was on the road 12 days of 14, it was easier for me to retreat. The only time I would emerge from my room was to retrieve food from the kitchen, and return empty dishes, and maybe grab a soft drink. Not that this happened every single day, but it happened... a lot.

I didn't even realize I had a problem until probably 2005, Ash Wednesday it was. I was sitting in the second or third pew, and Pastor Roy was preaching. I don't remember what he was preaching about, probably something about the Lenten season (the 40 days prior to Easter which Ash Wednesday begins are typically a season of reflection and self-denial, to honor what Christ gave up for us), and I was sobbing like my heart was broken. "What's the matter?" I had no idea. I only knew that even the most mundane topics sent me into tears.

I have always been drawn to psychology and studied it, so I knew what was going on on a certain level. Plus, one of my sisters had been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD and depression after she graduated from law school (she graduated from college and LAW SCHOOL with ADHD!), and another sister was also diagnosed with depression. As well, I remember that Daddy had taken Lithium for mood swings back in the late '70s. So, I come by it honestly. I don't think any of my family members knew "what's the matter" either.

I saw my doctor, who gave me medication, probably because when I told him what I was going through, I burst into tears. I know some folks may feel that I should "rise above it" and that depression is "mind over matter" but I have to respectfully disagree. At least, in my case, I believe that the medication has definitely saved me from doing serious harm to myself. After all, I have been stuffing my face to stop feeling things since childhood. There were times when if I hadn't been so lethargic from grief, I would probably have killed myself. Again, "What's the matter?" I never could answer. Yes, Allison, I know! Mama just contradicted herself. I've been telling Allie for years that mind over matter is exactly what it takes to get over it, but I've been in denial a long time, for her as well as for me.

The medication doesn't get rid of all the downswing times, but they are shallower than they used to be. Plus which, since I started this very public weight loss journey, I promised that I would tell ya'll everything going on that touches on the trip. I've been fighting a down-time since late last week. I had the conference this past weekend as an excuse not to exercise. But, I pulled myself out of my dark place because I handled it differently than before. This time, I went to the gym. I exercised, and I feel so much better. The Lord sure knew what He was doing when He made endorphins!

I feel very strongly that I've written about this topic because someone needs to read this. If you're reading this and you recognize yourself, please talk to someone. See your doctor, find out if medication will help, or talk to a therapist, a trusted friend, or your pastor. Most pastors are trained in some form of counseling, or will know someone you can talk to. But get help. I didn't seek help for the longest time, and I know I could have felt better if I'd only spoken up sooner.